Today it’s raining, it’s cold and its gray but it’s also quiet. I walk outside and I hear every drop of rain in a quiet kind of pattern, like one at a time, like where the world feels still and you just breathe in and let your lungs fill with the cold air. The world starts moving again and I am driving, literally. It’s Saturday and I am on my way to a job, just a job, nothing special.
On my short drive to work, it feels much longer. The rain hits the windshield and I’m left in the silence with only my thoughts and I become lost in my own world. I wonder where I am headed and why people are so negative. I simply don’t understand why the vibe is all wrong. I get irritated and I lose myself only to gain back my sanity with a side of regret. People just do not understand my mind, the way it works and how busy so so busy it stays.
Do I dare say what I think out loud and risk the repercussions just to feel some relief or do I hold it in and be kept in this box where the truth can only bring more conflict. I love you but your wrong… I love you but you cant… I love you that’s all. Seems like I’ve made my decision, without even thinking I stop communicating. I become mute and for all you know that is the end of my thought.
But it’s not. You see so much goes in but not a lot comes out. I watch and sometimes I slip up and become involved, what am I involved in. Nothing that is mine that’s for sure. I feel so off balance like my chi has been shifted and I am left defenseless. There is no sarcasm to cover, no jokes to hide it, I am bare and I cant cope, I regret. I know I said I’d never regret, I’d live for the moment, I’d give it my all. Only some of that is true. Only some of that is me and the rest, well the rest is to encourage you. I want you to be better, I want you to live it up and I want you most of all to never regret because if it’s one thing I know, its regret.
Never mind about that. The day is passing at a steady pace. I’m just sitting and typing all, well maybe not all, but some of my thoughts. I’m starting to feel slightly better, the tightening grip on my chest is lesser. Oh here it goes again the shifting in my memories from one pain to another right after the first has been sooth. It’s never ending and this inst even a busy day, just the beginning.
His smile, his sweet mischievous smile. Did you see it because I saw it and it gave me chills. He looks like my brother, his smile is the same, and the way he plays, its identical. It’s so identical it hurts. The older he gets, the more he begins to become the exact image of my brother. I love him so much it hurts… No, I love him but it hurts.
I cant help but stare, I’m such a creep. I just look as he walks and talks and plays. How could you hurt me, your only 2 and the sweetest little cutie I have ever seen. But you do and I know why. My pain is still here, its only been a few months. Living life knowing I’ve gone from 4 older siblings to 3 is something I will never recover from. I will always be broken but I continue to move forward. But moving forward sometimes feels like walking on broken glass. Someday’s I’d rather walk on broken glass then get out of bed. No one knows this pain, because no one will understand.
I am tired, no I am exhausted all the time, When you ask me how my day is my response seems to always be I am tired. Even on days where sleep was plenty, after my shower and my drive to my destination, once I settle, I am tired. How could that be possible. I try to find logical explanations, my sleep isn’t good even though plenty, my pillow sucks, my bed is too soft… but after adjusting those minor aches I still end up tired.
Then I start thinking maybe its not my environment, maybe its me. I am happy, or am I? Is it just a face that I put on to suppress the fact that I am not. Can I admit to my self that I am not happy. I think I’m depressed. I put on my clinical hat and I analyze myself and my emotions and I am pretty sure I am depressed. I want sleep all the time, I want quiet, I want to be left alone and every step I take to complete my day feels like a burden. But I can’t say that out loud, too much depends on it… too many people depend on me. I am depress and I hide it well with my smiles and my jokes… then there is my regrets. My mouth gets me in trouble because sometimes my emotions are released and not everyone will like what I have said… but once its out there you cant really take it back… None of this can be said out loud because once it is, that’s it. The foundation I’ve worked endlessly for will crumble and the earth will spin faster and before I know it… quiet its a dangerous line between peace and losing it.